Bush (Predator One) Grabs Pakistan Joystick (Secrets in Nevada)

A secret trip to the Nevada desert. So secret......that if you choose to read this--someone may have to kill you.

A heavy-set Air Force Master Sergeant bellowed it out, "ROOM, TEN-HUT!!"

The little cowboy walked in quickly, chest thrown out.....his stiff marionette arms pumping high. "As you were, men.....back to work. I'll be here for a while." Five bird colonels and two generals, their chests covered with vast arrays of medals, were at his side and grim men in dark suits flanked them.

He was wearing a flight suit and a leather flying jacket with "Predator Command" insignia. The room was stunned. He smiled a huge smile. A general handed him a cup of coffee. It was a heavy stoneware cup emblazoned with a mailed fist clutching a joystick that resembled a mace.

He smiled broadly and raised the stoneware cup to honor them. "I hear we're gonna lay the hammer on some ter-ists tonight. That's good. That's real good. You boys do a fine job here. I been watchin' you real close and I'm real proud of you boys."

He jerked his head back suddenly, eyebrows raised, "Uhhh, you girls too. Of course we have girls here too, I knew that. Why don't you make us some fresh coffee, darlin'? This coffee is like Texas coffee....ranch coffee! Maybe you could make a new pot and leave the horseshoe out this time." He laughed and the two generals laughed, followed by the colonels, followed by the rest of the room. Everybody laughed a lot, except the men in the dark suits.

The little cowboy put down his cup. "Well, how long we got 'til the fun starts, General?"

"We're at strike plus two minutes and 35 seconds, sir."

"Ok. Well, good!" He scanned the row of young officers. They were focused with great intensity on the screens in front of them. He tapped a lieutenant on the shoulder. "How 'bout you, son? Want to slip out and let Red Leader have a little time on that joy-stick?"

The lieutenant frowned. "Yes, sir. Where is he, sir?"

The president stared at him. "Well, here! I mean, me dammit! I'M the Red Leader!" He looked at the generals and they both nodded vigorously and motioned the lieutenant to get up. He did, but slowly, looking around the room as he rose.

The little cowboy laughed as he sat down. "I hope you're not misunderestimatin' me, son. I'm an old fighter pilot and I'm briefed and ready. I got a whole Predator simmilater system in a little room just down the hall from the oval office. I been making simmilated ter-ist toast for months and tonight.....tonight I'm gonna toast some for real." His lower jaw pushed out and moved back and forth jerkily as though he were putting an exclamation point on his statement with his chin.

"Yes sir, Mr. President."

"Call me 'Red Leader' today, Son.......and I'm gonna name you 'Stick.' Lieutenant Joey Stick. I almost named you Schmuck, but I see you're learning quick to jump when the Red Leader talks."

"Yes sir, Mr. ummmm.....Red Leader."

The Red Leader looked at the complex array of symbols on his screen. "All this stuff......this is some fine technology here. Why.....if we'd a had these Predators in the Texas National Guard I probably would have had a lot of kills in Vietnam. Wished I could have gone there to Vietnam to lib-rate the brave working people there, but I couldn't. I had huge family responsibilities, of course. Things were happening. Lazy employees were tryin' to form unions."

"Yes sir, Red Leader. Watch your flight path. Your weapons are armed. We're hot and closing on the target."

The president grinned and swung the joy-stick back and forth with gusto. It matched the back and forth motion of his chin. "This Predator is now Air Force Predator ONE!!!!"

He flicked dust off the screen with his finger. "HOO-AH!! Air Force Predator One gonna get us an evil ter-ist!!! Not just any ter-ist either. I'm gonna personally light up that Mr. Abdul El Zaheinie, the big Heinie......the number two hater of America in the entire world."

He winked. "Hey Stick......who knows? Maybe......maybe I'll even get number one, the tall, skinny guy with no kidneys. 'Course, all this has to be secret for now, but later......when I write my book, everybody will know that a courageous American president, me, led the mission that turned the tide in the war against the haters of America."

He turned to one of the Generals. "Have one of the girls write that last line down. I'm savin' good lines for the book. Damn well outsell Clinton's book even WITH his damn overactive zipper."

The displaced and nervous Lieutenant Stick was edging closer. "Yes sir, Mr. President......better take it up a bit, sir.......sir, you're pretty low. And, you may be a little close to one of the other aircraft, sir.

The little cowboy leaned in toward the screen, staring intently. "No problemo, Stickboy. Just watch my six. This is just like riding a bike. Just like that simmilater. I want to get in nice and low. I want to see Mr. El Zaheinie pee in his pants. This is gonna be a Texas turkey shoot."

He leaned in closer to the screen, squinting presidentially. "Hey Stick, after I get ol' Heinie I want you to come back to the ranch as my guest and we'll do a little bike riding together. You'll have to be the hero 'til later when my book comes out. Good photo op. Like when I had that nice young bike ridin' champion out to the ranch. He was a good young man even if he did ride in that damn sissy race in Froggie-land. But I'd like a good patriotic boy like yourself to come out.....maybe give you a big medal after we finish this op. You got a bike, son?"

"No."

"Well, you can use one of mine. " He jerked the joystick back violently. "What the hell was THAT? That looked like a goat!!" The sound of alarms wailing filled the room.

"Sir! Sir, I think......."

"Easy, Stick......I'm doin' fine. What the hell IS that, a goat-alarm?? Stay calm now. Remember, I'm a pilot too. Why can't I see anything?! I saw a goat just a second ago. Was that a ter-ist goat? Didn't look like a ter-ist goat. I can't see the target, though......I think we got a computer glitch here son, the cameras must be pointed all cock-eyed. AWWWWW......some of the other boys are firin' their Hellfire missiles already and I can't even see a damn thing.....oh hell." He got up. "You take her son.......damn computer locked up tight as a tick. If you can gett'er fixed I'll push the button."

The lieutenant collapsed quickly back into the chair, drenched with sweat, resetting controls and immediately coming to a conclusion. "No chance here, sir."

"Oh hell, has ANYBODY got any missiles left? This is bullshit.....I'M THE DAMN RED LEADER and I didn't get to shoot a Goddam thing! What kind of shit IS this??" He grabbed for the joy-stick again. "Lemme have it! Lemme mash the damned button!!! I wanna shoot!!!"

The generals looked alarmed. The lieutenant said, "I think you already shot, sir. Recon says it looks like you crashed, but you took out.......uh, well......you took out one of the other Predators and some kind of small building.....I think it was a goat shed." He wiped sweat off his face like a bad news messenger sensing death. "But it could have been an important goat shed."

One of the generals elbowed the other. "That goat shed looked like a terrorist--I mean--a ter-ist hideout to me."

The other general had been staring blankly at the computer screen that was now blinking with a 'Aircraft Inop' message, but he recovered quickly. "Damn!!! Why didn't WE think of that. That's EXACTLY where Zwahiri would hide! Brilliant thinking, Mr. Red Leader."

The little cowboy was stunned for only a second. "Zaheinie? You mean maybe I got him after all?"

The general frowned. "We can't be sure. The man is an evil Satanic fiend and, of course, fiendishly clever. So far, we know we took out several buildings that we're sure contained a number of people. We won't know until all the reports are in.....but, I have to warn you......there will probably be women and children among the casualties."

The little Cowboy looked very somber and stuck his jaw out and wiggled it back and forth again. "And goats," he said, slowly rubbing his chin and pondering the gravity of the thing. "Well, we all know that war is hell and........my intelligence tells me they're all ter-ist sympathizers and haters of America anyway. Hate us because we're free. Potential homicide bombers. I'll have Fox News put the proper spin on it. Get me the word on old El Zaheinie as soon as you can."

All the president's men in dark suits closed around him and they headed for the door. "That Stick is a fine young man, general. I want him to have a medal even if he did crash. It was only because his computer locked up.....it could happen to anybody. I'm so proud of the way our boys have been fightin' this war on ter-ism.....I want everybody in the room to have a medal.......maybe even the girls could get a nice bracelet medal or some earring medals. Hell, give yourself a damn medal if you got room for any more."

The little cowboy headed back to Air Force One. "Maybe I should drive," he said.

The men in dark suits glanced quickly at one another.